8 Signs You're Dealing With A Vulnerable Narcissist

Ahead, psychology experts explain what this kind of narcissism looks like and how to deal with vulnerable narcissists in your life and relationships.

"Covert narcissists feel special because they believe their pain is more important than others'," Malkin previously told mbg. "They may feel like the most misunderstood genius, the person who's suffering the most, or even the ugliest person in the room." 

Although only a qualified mental health professional can diagnose a mental health condition, there are some common causes and signs of a vulnerable narcissist you can look out for: 

Vulnerable narcissism is highly associated with introversion. These narcissists show a quiet sense of superiority and appear more reserved. However, that's often because they are secretly terrified of showing their flaws and failures. Exposing their true feelings would destroy the illusion of superiority. Thus, they avoid social interactions to lower the chance of their more vulnerable façade being exposed. Vulnerable narcissists may also avoid social situations or relationships that do not clearly benefit them. 

Vulnerable narcissists tend to be highly sensitive to criticism and may be more likely to internalize it due to their fragile sense of self. Their remarks might be dismissive or sarcastic, but they are crushed by criticism. They are easily humiliated or angered by feedback. Also, they constantly seek reassurance about their talents, skills, and accomplishments, relying on others to feed their need for self-importance.

Vulnerable narcissists have been said to show "narcissistic rage"—including behaviors of anger and hostility. They also may hold grudges for long periods, leading to bitterness, resentment, and a desire for revenge. In the workplace, vulnerable narcissists can hold grudges against people who earn praise or recognition they think they're entitled to, such as a co-worker who receives a well-deserved promotion. When they believe someone has mistreated them, they might be furious but say nothing in the moment, waiting for an ideal opportunity to strike back. This revenge might be subtle or passive aggressive.

Vulnerable narcissists may be more passive-aggressive in their interactions, communicating through guilt trips, backhanded compliments, or thinly veiled jokes. They may prefer avoidance rather than direct communication.

"Vulnerable narcissists often seek out relationships in which they can be the center of attention and where they feel they can control their partner," says Hong. "To keep their partner from leaving them, they may be possessive and jealous and may go to great lengths to control their partner's behavior."

Narcissists tend to project the blame on other people. They also use shaming to secure their elevated position against others. While overt narcissists are outspoken, vulnerable narcissists may have a seemingly gentler approach to explaining why something is your fault. They may pretend to be a victim or engage in emotional abuse to put themselves in a position to receive reassurance.

Often, vulnerable narcissists have incredibly low confidence and are racked by insecurities, and their narcissistic behaviors are often used to mask or cope with feelings of anxiety, depression, or shame. They are known for going into "victim mode," often surrounded by negativity, their own criticism, harsh words, and shame. 

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The exact cause of vulnerable narcissism may not be entirely understood, but childhood trauma and ingrained low self-esteem are common threads. As adults, these individuals normalize pretending. Vulnerable narcissists wear a mask and do not show their true selves because they fear criticism of being flawed and unworthy of love.

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Although vulnerable narcissists can be harder to identify, they share the same qualities as any other narcissist, including an exaggerated sense of self and thinking very highly of themselves, according to Janika Veasley, LMFT, therapist and owner of Amavi Therapy Center in Pennsylvania. "If you feel like you're constantly trying to get a partner to be considerate of your feelings, and they have an excessive need for validation and admiration, then you may be dealing with a narcissist," she says.

When dealing with a narcissist, whether vulnerable or grandiose, you must realize that their manipulative behavior is not about you. Their sense of entitlement, manipulation, and deceptive behaviors can feel very personal when on the receiving end. However, no matter how painful, it's important to remember that their actions have little to nothing to do with you and everything to do with their own self-esteem issues.

Vulnerable narcissists will take an inch and never give back. Hong advises that you communicate that you will "walk away if they treat you in a way that's unhealthy or uncomfortable."

Avoid trying to soothe hurt egos or feelings, especially if it's at the expense of your own emotions. It won't help them with their struggle with accountability.

(Here's our full guide on what to do if you're dating a narcissist.)

To employ this tactic—sometimes referred to as the grey rock method—she says to minimize your responses. Make them brief and emotionally flat. When a narcissist picks a fight, instead of trying to criticize or correct them, "simply respond with 'OK' or 'mhmm.'" 

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