11 Examples Of Verbal Abuse To Watch For + What To Do If You Spot Them

Abuse can come in all shapes and forms, and it doesn't solely exist within the context of romantic relationships. In the case of verbal abuse, it can be particularly tricky to spot. So, we asked experts for their best advice on identifying verbal abuse, plus how to handle it.

Verbal abuse is also often unprovoked, as opposed to happening only in the heat of the moment in an argument, adds clinical psychologist Perpetua Neo, DClinPsy. This behavior trains a victim of verbal abuse to associate certain things with danger, ultimately changing their behavior, she explains.

If you're still not sure whether you're dealing with verbal abuse, here are 11 common warning signs to watch out for.

Frequent intense arguments that involve one person yelling, screaming, and/or cursing at the other are an example of verbal abuse, Neo says. Not only is it frightening, but this kind of behavior then instills fear, which can influence your behavior and your willingness to voice concerns in the future.

Any sort of threat counts as verbal abuse, Neo adds. This could mean threats to your physical safety, the relationship, or even the abuser's safety. Saying things like, "If you leave me, I'll kill myself," for example, is a form of manipulation and thus can be considered a form of verbal abuse.

Gaslighting is a type of verbal abuse that involves questioning someone's reality to the point that they begin to doubt themselves. It often involves phrases like "That didn't happen" or "You're being dramatic." And according to Nuñez, "That's the way they keep control over you and keep you submissive and down, by making you think you're crazy and you're the awful one in the relationship."

Verbal abuse can also look like backhanded statements that serve to make you feel less than, not just explosive arguments. "There are even more insidious types of verbal abuse that are said calmly and framed as though they are helping you—with a problem you never knew you had," Neo explains.

Blatantly insulting someone or attacking their character is another example of verbal abuse. Nuñez notes this simply boils down to the nature of the language being used and whether it's "abrasive and disrespectful and cutting to the person."

Neo adds that we all want to improve ourselves, so feedback is welcome. But people-pleasers and echoists "lap up feedback like dehydrated camels [...] so when this feedback is delivered by someone with ill intentions, it starts to make the receiver question themselves."

People who are verbally abusive are excellent at deflecting blame to anywhere but themselves, and especially back onto the person confronting them, Nuñez says. "They'll flip the scenario to where it's the other person who's selfish, for example. It's crazy-making," she notes. Deflecting blame is also a telltale sign of narcissism—just FYI.

Abusers often seek to isolate their victims from friends and family, and this can be done through words alone, Neo says. Saying things like, "I don't think your family has your best interests at heart," for example, can look like genuine concern when it's actually about creating distrust and establishing control. "Actually, what's going on even deeper," Neo says, "is that by making verbal abuse look like support, they are isolating the victim from their own discernment."

Abusers can also use passive aggression to manipulate their victims, Yusim says. Perhaps they're patronizing you, using negative body language but insisting everything is fine, or even in some cases, intentionally withholding in a conversation as a form of punishment, aka, "the silent treatment." Since there may not be words directly exchanged, it's up for debate whether this counts as "verbal abuse," but it's the manipulative intent behind the behavior that's the red flag.

Yusim also notes that repeated accusations are also a form of verbal abuse. "When you're actually accusing someone of something that they haven't done, when you're starting to shake up a person's sense of their own identity and their own sense of strength and power, all of those can be considered forms of verbal abuse," she explains.

As Nuñez adds, "If you're in a relationship where you're doubting yourself and you're starting to think, 'Am I crazy?' more than likely you're in some type of emotionally abusive, verbally abusive relationship."

In the aftermath of the relationship, Nuñez notes you'll also want to work on self-worth and trusting your own intuition, to ensure this doesn't happen again with another person.

Beyond that, it can take time for someone to be ready to leave an abusive relationship, and it's a decision they have to come to on their own. As a friend, be there for them, offer them resources, and remind them that they don't deserve someone who makes them feel less than.

Verbal abuse can range from the most discreet forms of manipulation to threats of violence, and everything in between. The more you know what to look for, the better you'll be able to spot verbal abuse when it's happening and remove yourself from the situation. Abusive relationships are never worth the pain they cause, and if your gut is telling you something isn't right, trust that feeling.