Parent-child relationships tend to be complex in general. Distinguishing whether the issues go beyond normal familial bickering and into unhealthy, toxic territory can be difficult.

Particularly in the case of gaslighting, which is a confusing and manipulative form of emotional abuse, recognizing the problem takes a lot of awareness.

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation that involves making someone question their own reality, feelings, and experiences of events, in order to maintain control over that person.

The origin of the term can be traced to a British play in which an abusive husband manipulates the surroundings and events with the goal of making his wife question her reality.

People use gaslighting to "gain an upper hand and avoid accountability," according to Andrea Papin, RTC, and Jess Jackson, LMT, therapists at Trauma Aware Care.

One sign of gaslighting is when a parent denies their child's lived experiences. "An individual may describe an experience from the past where they felt socially isolated by friends or scared of a parent's reaction, and the parent's response is a denial of the event," psychoanalyst Babita Spinelli, L.P., explains.

Another sign of gaslighting, according to certified therapist Alicia Muñoz, LPC, is "when a parent uses an authoritarian style of parenting and evaluates their son/daughter through the lens of obedience." In other words, the parent controls what their child should like, dislike, value, and believe.

When a parent is enmeshed (aka too close) with their child, they are more focused on befriending the child than being a parent to them. Muñoz says they will attempt to shield the child from difficult emotions, like sadness, disappointment, and loneliness, leaving the kid unable to experience or cope with those natural emotions.  

Here are a few more scenarios and examples of gaslighting parents, according to Muñoz: 

While some of these statements can seem harmless at first glance, Muñoz says that over time evaluating a child's character—whether negative or positive—can be damaging. "Compliments can be a form of gaslighting when they negate or deny a child's experience of a situation, or of themselves, or when they're a form of manipulation," she explains.

There are many reasons a parent may gaslight their child. In many cases, the behavior is a response to their own upbringing. If a parent was modeled gaslighting by their own mom or dad, Spinelli says they may not be aware of how manipulative or damaging their actions are.  

Other parents (namely, the enmeshed kind) may just be overwhelmed and project their own inner wounds and past experiences onto their children. "This leaves their child feeling misunderstood, lonely, disconnected, and often angry," Muñoz explains. "It may also erode a child's sense of self/self-confidence." 

Those who tend to push their views onto a child, aka authoritarians, gaslight out of an attempt to maintain control, Muñoz adds. "This may have been how they were raised, or it may be that they have a low tolerance for anxiety." 

Experiencing gaslighting in any relationship is damaging, but the effects can be even more formative when coming from a parent. Being aware of the issue, and accepting that it's never your fault, is the first step in healing.

Seeking support from trusted friends, family members, and professionals can also help.