The Psychology Of Peter Pan Syndrome & 6 Signs Someone Has It

You may be familiar with the story of Peter Pan, the boy who lives in a magical place called Neverland so he never has to grow up. Despite how glorious it'd be to never have to pay a bill or schedule a doctor's appointment, these are very real things that you do as an adult. Peter Pan avoided the responsibilities of adulthood with everything he had, and people with Peter Pan syndrome tend to do the same. 

Peter Pan syndrome is not an official diagnosis or mental health condition recognized by the World Health Organization or the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5). Still, it helps to put a name to the Peter Pan warning signs we may see in the people around us or in ourselves.

It's tough to tell if you or someone you know has Peter Pan syndrome since there aren't any official symptoms of it. But there are some common and, perhaps, familiar-to-you ways it shows up in life. Below are just a few of the ways Peter Pan syndrome shows up in life, and not every person who has it displays it in the same way:

Someone with Peter Pan syndrome may find it difficult to be in a long-term relationship, romantic or platonic. Their attachment style is anything but secure, and they may not be able to emotionally commit to someone else. This doesn't mean that everyone who doesn't want a long-term relationship has this syndrome. But if the fear of taking on the responsibility of a healthy relationship or not wanting to grow is the reason for a breakup, then maybe.

It can be second nature for someone with Peter Pan syndrome to depend on their parents or family. "They are unable to do anything that would help themselves in a meaningful way or to truly separate from their families of origin," says child and adult psychiatrist Gauri Khurana, M.D. They enjoy other people taking care of them.

There's a general understanding that as you get older, you grow as a person. The growth can be minimal, but it's growth. But when you have Peter Pan syndrome, there's no reason to grow: You enjoy living life the way you always have and don't see anything wrong with it.

The average person makes an estimated more than 35,000 decisions each day. You could say it's a major part of being an adult. Someone with Peter Pan syndrome may avoid this by having someone else take the lead. "Oftentimes they fear they'll be looked at negatively, and so they're in a paralysis about their decisions," Spinelli says.

Not everyone is savvy with their money. You may only think about your finances when you're spending money or checking your accounts, but you're still thinking about it. For someone with Peter Pan syndrome, though, tracking personal finances isn't a priority. It may even be something they avoid altogether—until there is a negative balance in their account, that is. 

Someone with Peter Pan syndrome may still have the emotional maturity of a child. So when it comes to conflict and confrontation, they avoid it as best they can, sometimes escaping into their own realities and other times storming away and locking themselves in the bedroom.

In the end, all it all comes down to is what you learned as a kid, and what your parents or guardians modeled for you. 

Most of what we see of Peter Pan syndrome on reality TV are extreme, bordering narcissistic examples. It's important to understand that these two things are not the same. They also don't always present themselves within the same person. Spinelli shares some commonalities between narcissism and Peter Pan syndrome below:

She notes that "with narcissism, there is a lack of empathy that accompanies these behaviors, which is not always the case with Peter Pan syndrome."

"I don't think that patients suffering from Peter Pan syndrome have the capacity to recognize that they are suffering," Khurana tells mbg. "They have been in this situation/mindset for most of their life and don't know any different." 

If you've noticed your carefree lifestyle seeping into other areas of your life, causing serious issues in your relationship, work life, or general well-being, Spinelli suggests starting therapy or life coaching.

What you don't want to do is combat their Peter Pan tendencies, says Khurana. Being the adult to their Peter Pan may only push them further into their childlike disposition.

If you feel like your relationship has a Peter Pan in it, then it may be time for a talk. Make space for curiosity and figure out about the life they've lived before you. It's better to be on the same page about your relationship than coast through it with no idea where you see it going or if your partner is capable of giving you what you want in a relationship.