15 Simple Ways To Be A Better Lover To Your Partner

It's scary to let your guard down—but allowing yourself to be sincerely seen, touched, and affected by someone else is a powerful sexual experience. So, read on for how to intensify passion with your partner: 

"Sexual communication is the foundation of a healthy and fulfilling sex life. It's hard to have great sex when you can't talk about it," certified sex therapist Michelle Herzog, LMFT, CST, tells mbg. "If you're not sure where to begin, start with asking your partner about their sexual likes and dislikes. This is a simple, yet effective, way to increase sexual pleasure."

Showing you appreciate them can look like remembering the small details, actively listening when they talk, and thanking them whenever they do something you like. Outside of gratitude, look for the good in your partner too. What do you find sexy about them? What do you like about their sense of humor? What makes you excited about them? How do they turn you on? Be specific; then tell them those things. 

This could look like being curious about their life, naming boundaries, asking thought-provoking questions, holding their hand, maintaining eye contact, or skipping penetrative sex entirely once in a while and only doing other fun sexual acts.

If you don't already have a conscious solo-pleasure practice in place, Laeta recommends starting one up as a self-care ritual and then using that time as a goalless container to discover what feels good for your body. As you're experimenting with arousal, she suggests noticing the in-between emotions as you slow down, take your time, feel all of the sensations that come up, and try out different things to see what you like.

By leaning into the honesty of the moment, it shows that you're comfortable with yourself. This helps your person feel safer about being themselves and expressing their emotions as it comes up too. Plus, it makes it easier to be creative in sex when you can break the tension with a sense of humor.

When you invite enthusiasm into the connection, sex becomes a joyful exploration instead of a mechanical act of intercourse. Playfulness emboldens you to toss out outdated scripts about intimacy, work through any "performance" challenges, and add lightness to the situation as you candidly respond to each other. 

In the beginning, sex is amped up as you relish in the novelty. Over time, the excitement diffuses and mellows out as you settle into a routine. But there are actions you can do to reintroduce thrill back into the mix. It could look like letting them into your fantasies, bringing in sex toys, or having a quickie in the car because you can't wait to get home. It could also be as simple as surprising them with sex in the morning instead of your usual nightly romp for variety. 

According to Laeta, there's a reason why I felt so wanted, and it comes down to how innovative he was about bodily stimulation: "Our skin loves variety. The best touch for arousal is a contrasting touch between lighter, gentle strokes and firmer, stronger holds. Be creative. Make sure not to use repetitive touch. You can use your lover's body as a canvas to draw on."

To avoid getting lost in disconnective thoughts, she recommends paying attention to the five senses (smell, taste, touch, sound, and sight) and using them as anchors to connect to your partner. Laeta says it could look like focusing on the music, smell of the candle, and the texture of your sheets, then zooming out to concentrate on how both you and your partner smell, taste, feel, sound, and look to keep putting yourself back in the moment. 

On that note, she says it's hard to be sexy when the room is chaotic and unappealing. "Consider bringing in softer lighting and make sure that the space is clean and free of things like pet hair [or] clothes all over the floor to enhance the sexual space and make it free of distractions."

She notes by not being hyper-focused on the "shoulds" of sex can transform your sexual life. "Being flexible is one of the top predictors of sexual fulfillment for couples over time."

To make sure the item will be mutually fun, Herzog suggests first seeing if they're open to the idea of toys and, if so, going on a shopping date together. "There are a variety of options available to you, and I encourage you to do your research and try out lots of options to see what works best for your body," she notes. 

"You have a whole body to work with. Instead of being centered on orgasms as the best way to pleasure your partner, I'd encourage you to make pleasure the center for your sexual experiences," she says. 

By keying into the tension in the arousal, it makes everything feel more intense for both of you. It's often seen as a way to have better orgasms because of the strength of the orgasm that can follow when you're done edging. 

Show them that their feelings matter by asking them how they like to be taken care of after sex. It'll look different for each person. It could look like grounding themselves alone, eating a snack, watching a movie, taking a shower, pillow talk, or cuddling together. Intentional aftercare gives you time to reflect on what just happened, validate each other's feelings, and clear up anything that you weren't able to mention during sex. 

Being a better lover is about removing the conditions and "shoulds" from sex and flowing into radical presence with each other. If you're looking for a scale to measure yourself on, look to see how you can allow yourself to be more imperfect, curious, and completely yourself with your partner. Doing this will help with emotional and physical intimacy.