What Is Hoovering In Relationships? How To Spot This Narcissist Behavior

Sound familiar? If you find yourself repeating another vicious cycle with your ex after they've reached out, you've just been hoovered. 

If your ex is affected by narcissism, it's unlikely in your time apart that they've been able to work on themselves in such a way that generates wholeness and emotional maturity. If you cut off contact with them, they should be able to respect set boundaries and not disregard what you need during your recovery in service of what they want from you. 

Moran notes that hoovering exists on a spectrum of intentional to unintentional behaviors. However, "this is a common characteristic of people who exhibit narcissistic traits and is employed from a conscious or unconscious effort to obtain and maintain control over another person or persons," they say. 

Moran shares telltale signs that you should look out for if you think you're being hoovered:

You haven't heard from them for months, and then you get a random message. "Just thinking of you and the memories," or, "Hey, I'm back at our favorite dinner spot. Do you remember when we celebrated your birthday here?" If they aren't interested in being accountable for their past actions, it's not motivated by real care. It's lazy communication at best and used only to grab your attention, not make amends. 

The opposite could happen instead. They might come in strong and own up for everything that went wrong in the relationship. "I'm so sorry, and I want to do better. I'm getting professional help, and I'm ready to be the person you've always wanted me to be." It's tempting—but the best apology is changed behavior, which is demonstrated over time, not in verbosity. Think about what you want and the reaction that's appropriate for you as it stands in the moment. 

Your ex is treating you the way that you've always wanted to be treated. They are lavishing you with attention, presents, and little tokens of affection. It may feel great to be at the receiving end of such care, but this behavior—also known as love bombing—is unsustainable in the long run. Love isn't tit-for-tat, and it's not based on a scoring system. True connection is about a slow build of the quiet moments, not through grand gestures and big statements. 

They crave control and can project it onto you. They might show up at your favorite coffee shop for a casual walk by. They want to know if you're going to X event because they might be there. To stir up sympathy, they have your friends or family put in a good word on their behalf. Protect your time and space by not getting involved. 

There's a rumor going around your mutual circle of friends that you callously broke their heart, you destroyed them, that you have a personality disorder, etc. Beware of any black-and-white stories that paint you as the villain and them as the victim. They're spinning stories and exposing your vulnerabilities to trigger you into defending yourself. But the more you try to correct what actually happened, the more convoluted it will be. Unfortunately, it's a pointless exercise that will lead you nowhere fast. You can't control what someone will say about you, but you can choose how you feel about it. 

"I gave the relationship everything I had. You don't appreciate my effort, I can't believe you don't remember how hard I worked for us. You're too sensitive. I didn't treat you that badly. I did the best I could." Your ex may downplay their wrongdoings, which plants a seed of doubt in your mind. By gaslighting you to covertly twist the situation, they escape accountability, and your feelings are dismissed. Trust your gut instincts as you're parsing through the hidden nature behind their messages.

"If you don't respond back to me, I'm going to hurt myself." This is a major red flag that you are being hoovered. It is extremely manipulative for someone to place the burden of their harm onto you and how you may or may not respond to them. You are not responsible for their actions. If they keep telling you they will hurt themselves, immediately contact their family or emergency services so they can get the help they need. 

Remember that vacation you always wanted to take? They want to finally take you there! You wanted to move somewhere warmer for the summer? Let's do it! If it sounds too good to be true—it is. When they use your aspirations to get something from you in the present, it's called future faking. Tread lightly. 

"You're my soul mate. I can't live without you. It's been you and always been you." It sounds like a picture-perfect fairy tale because it is. Don't get swept away in the romanticism of what used to be. Anchor yourself into the reality of the relationship and the experience you went through. 

The time after the breakup may be unpredictable and chaotic as you process the trauma of a narcissistic relationship and their attempts to ensnare you back into their life. Moran lays out a road map to navigate the twisty turns ahead, in their own words: 

"Watch out for patterns in their behaviors and be honest about the motives of their partner. Once [you] recognize the abusive patterns, you can safely find ways to break up the relationship," di Leo says. "Terminating contact could be in the form of blocking their calls, not responding to their promises, or meeting one last time."

For anonymous and confidential help, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233 or TTY 1-800-787-3224) and speak with a trained advocate for free as many times as you need. They're available 24 hours a day, seven days a week. You can also speak to them through a live private chat on their website.