Golden Child Syndrome: The Psychology Behind It & Its Effects In Adulthood

Our early experiences in life—the way we were raised, the things our parents said, the things they didn't—often shape who we become as adults and how we navigate the world. As children, most of us craved the attention of our parents and did what we could to get it. But what if that attention and validation only came when it was deemed "earned" or when we did something the "right" way?

A golden child is often the product of being raised in a "faulty" family dynamic where the child is expected to be very good at everything, never make mistakes, and feel highly obliged to meet the aspirations of their parents, according to board-certified psychiatrist Nereida Gonzalez-Berrios, M.D.

"To be clearer, a golden child is held responsible for the family's success. Parents appreciate and adore them and, in a way, reinforces them to become better in whatever they are doing," she tells mbg. "A golden child is an example for others to follow. Even the siblings of the golden child are compared with them to create continuous pressure on their performance; to ensure that they shouldn't fail or fall short in their good behavior and accomplishments."

Children who possess the characteristics of a golden child are typically raised by narcissistic parents who are controlling and authoritarian, she adds. Because of how strict their parents are, these children are unlikely to feel safe enough to voice their own opinions or go against the rules of the home.

Gonzalez-Berrios says golden children are usually the ones who end up having to step into a more mature role earlier in life. This could include getting a job earlier than their siblings and making the decision to contribute to the family finances and running of the household. They may also shun activities they consider childish and opt for more productive hobbies.

Being a golden child can have harmful effects later in life. For one, it often affects relationships in terms of connection and boundaries, Roberts says.

"On the one hand, the grown-up golden child might become excessively attached to another person, not knowing where they begin and end. For example, they might display excessive people-pleasing, seeking the validation they never received as a child. On the other hand, they might truly struggle with connection in relationships, seeking validation from outside sources like work and never becoming emotionally available to a partner," he explains.

This is a result of having an insecure attachment style with their parents, so they struggle to connect with others and either become too clingy because they strongly desire the love their parents failed to provide or completely withdrawn and aloof.

Another negative effect of this syndrome is growing up with low self-esteem. Since a golden child’s sense of self-worth is directly linked to their ability to please and their external achievements, as an adult, "they are likely to feel that they must present a perfect image of themselves to earn others' approval and love. These adults also lack a sense of identity because the only identity they formed during their childhood was through appeasing their parents, so they report feeling empty and unsure of themselves," Hafeez explains.

"These children will also grow into adults who become defensive when they receive criticism. Because golden children are accustomed to only receiving positive feedback from their loved ones, they struggle to accept any form of negative feedback as an adult. They will automatically believe that they have failed," she continues.

To cope with these failures, they may pick up unhealthy mechanisms, including gambling, drug addiction, or alcoholism.

The golden child is usually the offspring of one or two narcissistic parents, Hafeez says. These parents use their children to show off their own perfection. Narcissistic parents control and manipulate their child's life to ensure that the child upholds the parents' "perfect" image and reputation. Golden children cannot explore their identities because they spend all their time obeying their narcissistic parents. Since narcissists can only provide conditional love, golden children feel a severe amount of pressure to please their parents to be accepted and loved.

In some cases, these narcissistic parents don't even know what they're doing to their children. According to Roberts, they live in a world of delusions and lies they tell themselves to avoid feelings of vulnerability.

"Healing from golden child syndrome is an uphill task as you were conditioned to measure your worth by your achievements and success stories," Gonzalez-Berrios says. "You were never allowed to make mistakes, and you started believing that mistakes are bad and should be avoided at all costs, even if it robs your inner peace and happiness. When you [learn] that you need to let go of the faulty identity, you [often become] scared and vulnerable."

You should also consider setting boundaries in your life. "Boundaries can be incredibly hard for the golden child. They take on too much in toxic parts of life or give too little to healthier parts of life," Roberts continues. "Learning to say no is a skill that can be built." (Therapy can help with that, he adds.)

Finally, Roberts says it's important to manage shame and find self-compassion.

Notably, just because you display some of the characteristics of a golden child doesn't automatically mean you are one. It doesn't mean your parents were horrible narcissists who were hard on you. It also doesn't mean you'll forever have a hard time in your adult life.