28 Examples Of Gaslighting + Phrases To Look Out For, From Relationship Experts

Gaslighting can happen in relationships, within families, and even in the workplace—but it can also be hard to spot in the moment. So, we asked experts what gaslighting really looks like so you can identify when it happens, see some concrete gaslighting examples and phrases, and know how to respond.

As therapist Aki Rosenberg, LMFT, previously told mbg, "Gaslighting at its core is always about self-preservation and the maintenance of power/control—namely, the power/control to construct a narrative that keeps the gaslighter in the 'right' and their partner in the 'wrong.'"

One main way people gaslight is by shifting blame to another person in order to avoid accountability, which is also known as deflection. For example, Spinelli says a gaslighting parent might blame their child for their own mistakes, or an abusive partner could somehow blame the victim for the abuse.

Denial of the truth is textbook gaslighting, according to Spinelli. She notes that by denying obvious truths, the victim begins to lose sight of what is right and wrong, and they begin to question their own reality.

Spinelli says minimizing or dismissing someone's needs is another example of gaslighting in relationships. "This is where the gaslighter makes the victim's needs feel unimportant," she says. For example, they may say things like, "Why do you keep asking me for things?" or "You are so needy," which are intended to make the other person question and doubt themselves.

Constant disapproval can be a subtle way gaslighters control their victims. As Spinelli explains, a parent constantly disapproving of their child's decisions and questioning their judgment will eventually be internalized by the child, to the point that they, too, question their own judgment.

It's not uncommon for gaslighters to isolate or otherwise alienate their victims from their support systems, in order to gain more control. As clinical psychologist Perpetua Neo, DClinPsy, previously explained to mbg, a gaslighting person may say phrases like, "I don't think your family has your best interests at heart," for example. She notes that what's really happening here is, "by making verbal abuse look like support, they are isolating the victim from their own discernment."

Some gaslighters will use "love" as a justification for their behavior, saying things like, "I only did that because I love you," Spinelli notes. Not only is this an attempt to alter the way the victim perceives the situation, but in the future, it can discourage them from voicing their concerns.

"This is an example of gaslighting where the gaslighter pretends to have forgotten what took place or denies it ever happened," Spinelli says. This one can be particularly tricky because there's no way to really prove whether someone actually forgot something—but nevertheless, if you didn't forget, you'll know it.

On a basic level, simply invalidating someone else's emotions is gaslighting, according to Spinelli. They may say something like, "You don't really feel that way," or "It's not that big of a deal." These phrases are an attempt to make you question your own truth.

This example of gaslighting may be particularly more common in the workplace, though it can certainly take place within relationships. "A boss or co-worker may intentionally keep information withheld, and as a result, the employee is set up to fail," Spinelli explains, adding, "The victim fears asking for clarification so not to appear incompetent. If they do question their boss or co-worker, they are dismissed, blamed, or met with defensiveness."

Accusations that the victim is paranoid is another common example of gaslighting. Spinelli notes that this can sound like "You're crazy," or "You're just being paranoid," which comes back to the gaslighter seeking to control the victims' perceptions.

This example ties back to the use of disapproval as a way to control someone's behavior, but this is a bit more extreme. When someone is constantly disapproving or outright criticizing someone, the victim can internalize these criticisms, feel invalidated, and potentially begin to neglect their own wants and needs, denying their own reality.

Mancao also has a few helpful phrases you can keep in mind for handling gaslighting in the moment.

RELATED: How To Regain Your Sanity After You've Been Gaslighted

And relating to Rosenberg's previous point, Spinelli notes that gaslighting is often part of a power dynamic where the manipulation is "an intent to control an individual, or when by a public figure, the entire mindset of a community at large."

It is, at the end of the day, a form of manipulation and abuse, and it doesn't have a place in a supportive and loving relationship. When we can identify when it's happening, however, we're better able to handle it, honor our own needs, and protect our boundaries.