How Depression Can Affect Relationships & What To Do About It

As a partner, how can you support and love someone with depression without taking on the role of their therapist? Here's what to know about how depression can affect relationships, plus how to handle it.

As one partner learns how to manage their symptoms and hopefully improve, the other must also learn how to hold space and support, while finding where their own boundaries are.

As Birkel explains, not only does the depressed partner need to accept their situation, so does their significant other. "One of the keys to dealing with this is having acceptance on both sides," he says, where both parties can lean into the struggle and try to work through it.

As psychotherapist Megan Bruneau, M.A., previously explained to mbg, no one wants to feel like you're trying to fix them. Rather than constantly offering solutions, practice holding space. "Let them know 'I'm here to listen,'' or 'I want to better understand what you're going through right now,' and 'I'm here for you despite what depression might be telling you.'"

"Having compassion for the person with depression and making an effort not to blame or judge," according to Birkel, is the most important thing you can do to support your partner. It sounds simple, but given these kinds of dynamics can foster resentment, it may need to be a conscious choice.

Telling someone to "just stay positive" is simply not effective. In fact, as Bruneau explains, it's quite the opposite. "In actuality," she says, "it will likely make them feel worse—weak, ashamed for feeling sad, and less able to feel safe in your relationship."

This is a no-brainer for any relationship, but it's of particular importance when depression may be keeping one partner from being fully honest. "One thing that happens a lot," Birkel notes, "is they don't say anything and have it hanging over their head all day long. ... For example, the partner with depression may not have the energy to mow the lawn that day, but if they are able to express that and communicate that openly, it will be very helpful to the relationship."

It's important to note that someone with depression should not be seeking a therapist in their partner. Encourage them to get help, whether through support groups, a therapist or psychologist, or even a life coach. "It will be very helpful to the relationship, and the significant other of the person with depression is making a commitment to take some steps to treat or address the depression," Birkel says.

Having a purpose is considered an integral factor in one's overall well-being, and depressed people often struggle with a lack of meaning. Supporting your partner's goals and purpose, as opposed to pushing them, can help them feel empowered. If their purpose is their children, for example, Birkel explains you can say something along the lines of, "I know you really wanted to go outside with the kids today. How can I support you to make this happen?"

And lastly, Bruneau notes it's important not to be afraid of asking the tough questions. Are they eating enough? Feeling hopeless? Maybe even suicidal? "There is a common misconception that if we ask someone if they've been thinking about suicide, we might put the idea in their head or drive them to do it," Bruneau says. "This is untrue. Often, being asked causes great relief for a person who's been thinking about it."

It's important as well to recognize that you aren't responsible for how your partner is feeling, and their depression isn't a reflection of you or your relationship, Birkel adds. This is why it's important, again, to encourage and support them in getting help from a therapist or other mental health professional.

As Birkel explains, when you take good care of yourself, it allows you to be more patient with your partner, without feeling responsibility for the depression. "This is moving into acceptance of the depression and letting go of something that person can't control," he says. "It looks like coming from a place of confidence that they are a good partner, not doing anything wrong. From this place they can offer understanding and support."

Almost without a doubt, depression will put a strain on the strongest of couples. But it doesn't have to be the downfall of your relationship, and you can make it work with acceptance, compassion, and your own attention to self-care. As the two of you figure out what changes can be made to help alleviate some of the depressive symptoms, be patient and understanding, with them and yourself.