What Is The Ambivalent Attachment Style? Therapists Explain

We all approach relationships differently, and as much as we might want to deny it, much of our approach can come down to our earliest experiences with caregivers and, subsequently, our attachment style.

There are four primary attachment styles, with three of them falling under the umbrella of insecure attachment. One of those three is ambivalent attachment, also known as anxious attachment or anxious-ambivalent attachment.

"Ambivalent" is defined by the Oxford English Dictionary as "having mixed feelings or contradictory ideas about something or someone," and that's essentially what you get with an ambivalent attachment style.

According to somatic psychologist and licensed marriage and family therapist Holly Richmond, Ph.D., LMFT, a child develops an ambivalent attachment style when they find from an early age that they cannot truly rely on their caregivers emotionally. This results in relationship difficulties down the line, she says, wherein those insecurities around trust and emotional support and connection keep rearing their heads.

Attachment theory was first introduced by psychologist Mary Ainsworth and psychiatrist John Bowlby in the 1950s. The theory is centered around the belief (and today, research) that the relationships we have with our earliest caregivers result in particular outcomes, depending on the kind of care we received.

As aforementioned, ambivalent attachment is one of the three insecure attachment styles (along with avoidant and fearful-avoidant). And experts agree, children who form ambivalent attachment styles likely had parents who were not consistently available for love and support, resulting in a fear of abandonment, rejection, and/or low self-esteem.

As clinical psychologist Bobbi Wegner, Psy.D., previously told mbg, this could look like a parent being loving and available one moment, and the next, they're not meeting basic needs for love, security, or attention. "This leaves a child not knowing what to expect and hungry for attention and connection," she explains.

It's worth noting that there is some nuance within ambivalent attachment styles. For one thing, according to Richmond, these attachment styles aren't black-and-white and should be thought of as more of a spectrum, particularly when it comes to how behaviors and patterns manifest.

Lastly, Wegner notes, being uncomfortable with your partner's independence is another big tell of an ambivalent attachment style. "This can come in the form of a partner going out with friends, connecting with others, or being unavailable because of work or family commitments," she explains.

As a child with an ambivalent attachment style grows up, they may likely experience some difficulty around forging close relationships, including both romantic ones and even friendships. Of course, this depends on the severity of their early emotional wounds, as well as how aware the person is of their own patterns, but generally speaking, relationships just may not come as easily compared to someone with a secure attachment style.

As Richmond explains, the fear of rejection and subsequent heartbreak can be very confusing when all these people really want is to experience loving relationships. And as Page adds, they will often feel very insecure when it comes to the emotional safety and availability of their partner.

While it's somewhat inevitable that we may unintentionally inflict some emotional wounds on our children, there are certainly things that can be done to help ensure your child grows up with a secure attachment style.

For one thing, according to Page, attention heals. "Caring attention heals in a profound way. Every parent can practice being present to their child in deeper ways, and it's also important that we make space to help our child understand and validate the reasons for their ambivalence," he explains.

Whether that means prompting them to share what's bothering them, making space for all their emotions, or being consistent with your affection, the idea is that you are there for them—and they know it. Consistency is really what's key.

Healing an ambivalent attachment style and reaching a place of security can be particularly confusing, especially if you're doing this work while trying to navigate an existing romantic relationship. After all, you may not even be sure what a loving relationship really looks like—and it could overwhelm you when you do get it. As such, Richmond says, it's going to take some soul searching to figure out what your standards really are and noticing when your old hardwiring is playing out.

Learn to sit with the uncomfortable feelings and fear that creep up when you're triggered, she suggests, adding that when you start to notice these patterns more and more, you can make the conscious choice to let yourself be vulnerable and open. "And then it becomes a practice," she adds.

And speaking of fears, Page also notes that it's really important "not to just pathologize ambivalent attachment styles and assume that our perceptions are incorrect." As he explains, "Even if we know that we have an ambivalent attachment style, we should still honor and dignify our feelings. In most cases we are feeling something real, even if we are exaggerating or misinterpreting it."

To that end, he says, the task is still the same: "To understand, with compassion and care, why we are feeling the way we feel, to give that feeling space and understanding, and to be able to communicate with our partner to work things through."

The bottom line is, our attachment styles are heavily determined by our earliest experiences with caregivers—for better or worse. The good news is, if you're struggling with an ambivalent attachment style, you can reach a place of security with some conscious introspection and a willingness to approach relationships differently.

And remember, as Page tells mbg, "On some level, ambivalent attachment is part of the human condition. Love gets taken from us. People die. Relationships end or change. Betrayals can happen. All of these experiences can trigger the deepest human pain—and so it makes perfect sense that we would be afraid to commit fully, to love deeply, to surrender, compromise, and share our deepest vulnerability."